Why is having money important? It is important because in our wonderful free society, you know how to spend it best. The more money you have, the better it will get spent, right? Just imagine what you could accomplish if you had control of more than your own personal finances ... the end of world hunger and war, massages for all ... you could make it happen!

With that being said, here are a lot of people out there who are worried about their personal financial futures, or don't realize those futures are in trouble because they do not have even the slightest grasp of basic economics. I would like to take this opportunity to provide some advice to those who might seek it. I am not rich, but I am not poor and don't ever plan to be. Here are a few simple steps you can follow to ensure your financial security:

Start NOW

The sooner you start, the easier it will be to secure your financial future. You must harness the power that is compounding! For a well-written explanation, see Ben Stein's recent article on the subject.

Save 10% of your gross income.

This one is very simple - save 10 cents out of every dollar you make and you will never have any financial problems. It's really that easy. If you feel silly and insist on donating 10% to your church or similar institution, don't do it at the expense of your own savings - God will understand. Use all those fun techniques like pay yourself first or whatever it takes to do this, because it's absolutely essential.

Invest your money in the stock market.

The stock market on average returns about 10% per year to investors. Over time, this is more than inflation or any time-value effects on money. At the very least you will break even, which is important, because many people do not realize that leaving your money in the bank is the same as throwing it out the window - you will lose money over time. Even unions and the like (who some would say make their living by reducing growth and investment) keep their pension money in the stock market, because it provides the best return out there. When corporations make money (and they always do), you make money. One downside to this is that your blood pressure will go up. You will become enraged when idiot hippies who don't understand they are talking about your livelihood and future suggest that corporations are evil and should be penalized. It's hard for them to understand that corporations are not empty abstract entities; the people that own them are the people. Corporations are owned by the people and for the people. On the other hand, you can laugh at the hippies all the way to the bank, so that might be worth the increased health risk!

RRSPs are for idiots - be wary.

Do you honestly think taxes will be less when you retire? Do you enjoy having your hard-earned income taxed twice at the full rate? Capital gains taxes are much, much lower than regular income tax, so while you might come out with less money by skipping your RRSP contributions, at least when all is said and done, the money will actually be yours. If your employer matches (or exceeds, like mine) your contributions, go for it, but don't go crazy maxing out your contributions to save some tax money now - put it in the stock market instead. In case you believe none of the above, think about this for a moment: do you honestly believe the government would actively promote a program that would see the citizens of this country pay less taxes? Food for thought!

Do not borrow money for depreciating assets.

Do not borrow money for anything that depreciates in value or does not positively affect your net worth. This means getting a mortgage and buying a house is good; borrowing cash to buy a brand-new SUV is not only bad for the environment, it's bad for your financial health. Pretty much everything you can buy on a credit card depreciates, so don't use them. Learn to recognize what you need to survive and what you don't.

Diversify your portfolio.

This is a fancy way of saying don't put all your eggs in one basket. As the saying goes, shit happens, so make sure you are protected in the event of a catastrophe. Natural disasters and otherwise happen all the time (just turn on the TV if you don't believe me), so make sure you're protected.

Actively discourage waste.

TANSTAAFL. Your actions and the actions of those around you affect the world you live in. Pick up after yourselves and then no one else will have to. This goes for the environment, too. We only have one planet so do your part to make sure we don't fuck it up. The only limit on your money-making abilities is the capacity of the Earth itself. If there is no Earth, you've got more problems than worrying about money!

Here are a few other free tips:

• Don't get some bullshit university degree that anybody else could get in their sleep. If you aren't smart enough and are forced to drop out of programs that will lead to actual vocations, do us all a favour and quit school because I don't want to pay for both your school and your student loans. "A liberal arts education is a valuable step on the path to enlightenment!" you say? If you are smart enough to recognize that, you should be smart enough to use a library - I pay for that, too, but at least you won't be the only one getting some use out of it.
• Remember that money can't buy love, but it can buy power. If the good Lord has decided that you must live life miserable and alone, money can be useful for other things.
• WATCH MORE TV

A final thought: if you think you don't need money to be happy, then you obviously don't have any of the things that would make you happy without it. Search your feelings; you know it to be true.